Posts tagged Love

Love Bothers Me

My two-year-old son has the habit of putting his left thumb in his mouth. Often when he does this, he also reaches out to me or his Mom with his right hand and fondles any part of our body that he can reach. It often has a great feeling experiencing him do this. It could happen while one of us is carrying him and rocking him to sleep or when he is lying in bed and trying to sleep off.

A few days ago he woke up about 4:00 AM and began doing this to me. I really wanted to catch a little more sleep so it was a bit of a disturbance to at that time of the morning. Once in a while I would push his hand away and try to sleep but he wouldn’t budge. I did this over and over until I gave up and left him on the bed to go and sleep for the last thirty minutes of my night on the carpet. Less than five minutes later he came down from the bed and lay on my back! it was almost funny but for the time of day.

Some people have a similar experience with their spouses. They get a call every hour or two from their spouse while they are “busy” at work and it seems to be a bother. On the other hand some people never hear from their spouses till they get home. Go figure. Others always hear their spouses yelling at them to come home earlier or pay more attention to them.

The whole point of these two stories can be summarized in two ideas. One is the fact that while your family may express their love for you in diverse ways, it is important to realise that what is being expressed is actually LOVE. Love is something that many people in this world do not experience so we must value it when someone finds us important enough to them to pinch us or yell at us to come home. The comedian Kasime Anne joked that singleness may seem like great freedom but you realize you may have to get home and shout “Hello” only to have the walls of your huge house echo back to you “Hiii”! Or maybe you have to buy two mobile phones so you can call yourself!

Paul Kofi Mante said in a recent presentation that work is like a rubber ball while family is like an egg. If you drop the ball, it will bounce back to you but if you drop the egg, it is likely to crack. Value the love you receive from your family even when it seems to be a bother. Respond to the love in your own way and make them feel valued too.

#IIW2LA

Extend Kindness

Living in a busy city like Lagos you may have noticed how hard it is for drivers to give way to pedestrians trying to cross the road or other drivers trying to join a major road. It didn’t take long after I moved to Accra to realize that the attitude on the roads was quite different here. In Accra, giving way to pedestrians is such a strong culture that pedestrians consider it a right. Giving way to other drivers when they need your help is considered civil. It is simply all  a way of life that has been cultivated.

Have you ever been on the road in your car and someone gives you way by allowing you come in from an adjoining road to the main road. There is a sense of responsibility that act of kindness gives you. It makes you feel obliged to give way to the next driver who needs such a gesture. This is the same case for most other acts of kindness, the recipient of the act becomes a giver automatically. In societies where such acts of kindness have become the natural course, I believe It has become so because of the ripple effect of such acts of kindness.

The next consideration in view of the above is then how does it all start? How can one change a society that is more inclined to hedonistic behavior than otherwise. I think it can be achived by consistent acts of kindness whether they are reciprocated or not. Kindness can have a ripple effect and it may be even more powerful in environments where such acts of kindess are not considered normal behaviour.

Most acts of kindness take hardly anything away from us. For example letting someone in front of you on the highway cannot stop you from reaching your destination. Letting a disadvantaged person in front of you on an ATM queue will not stop you from getting your money out. Besides, you actually feel better after doing such things! How about starting a ripple of kindness today?

Intimacy

Intimacy is an intrusion into your lonely lifestyle, a bold invasion of your privacy often with your consent. It just happens to be a very pleasant invasion … most of the time. Intimacy happens when you cross paths with another species of being and find that your numerous plugs fit into their numerous sockets… at least most of them. Intimacy happens when you open up your sockets and extend you plugs to exchange soul by giving and receiving.

Intimacy is an invasion. There are no more gates with this significant other. There are no more barriers. There is so much discomfort in tearing down these barriers and when they are down… they are down. The army raids your inward parts and nothing is hidden anymore. Whatever was in the dark is completely exposed. The fragile emotions, the unseemly habits, the lousy flaws covered in cosmetics in public places. Everything is exposed!

Intimacy is an intrusion. At the beginning it is unpleasant to give in. But when the bombardment becomes unbearable, the walls begin to fall. They crack at first, it hurts yet is thrilling. Why does the thrill hurt so much? Because stone walls are crumbling under heavy fire. The women of the city are on rampage. There is chaos in the inward parts. The boundaries are no longer relevant.

Intimacy is an invasion. Looting is lawful because everything is shared. Nothing is private anymore when two become one. The concept of private property has no meaning in this realm. The other one becomes a disturbance that you cannot live without, a massive cedar tree growing in the centre of your bedroom. Things get missing, personal effects are moved, and permissions are granted without being requested. Everything is shared.

Intimacy is liberation when two become one; that is how we are designed. Intimacy is a relief because that is what we long for. Intimacy is a pedestal which we all reach for so long as we have the capacity to feel. Intimacy is a challenge we find fulfilling to surmount.  Intimacy is a trap we would gladly walk into over and over again because we would rather be bound by love than be lost in loneliness.

Intimacy is a seed that can grow for a lifetime. Intimacy is a weed that can become beautiful when nurtured or else entangled to the point of choking itself when left untendered. Intimacy is an experience so sacred and priceless, so profound and engaging, so complex and intricate that it can only be shared with one other at any point in time during a lifetime.

Intimacy is a treasure often so hard to find and so easy to lose that we must depend on neither logic nor appearance to grasp its deepest meaning. A concept so deep that we must spend a lifetime discovering is infinite layers and facets. It is a maze so intricate that we must pay attention to the tiniest detail to preserve it in its finest form. Intimacy … we could go on and on forever and we will.

This article was originally published in July 2012

10 Strategies for Keeping Your Wife’s Mind on You

When I wrote on marriage in the book Till Death I learnt a few new things about cars, medicine, writing itself and of course relationships. Back then, my Senior Partner and I came up with a few tips that could help married men resonate constantly in their wife’s minds.

After going through these tips, I would be glad if you provide feedback on the results of practising just two out of the ten tips over a period of time. Also, you could add tips from your own experience as comments. So here we go:

1. Send a very special SMS or IM everyday whenever you are away. Sample:

‘Someone got me really upset today then he wondered why I just smiled. I smiled ‘cos at that very moment, I thought about u’

2. Spend thirty minutes every day talking to her exclusively. Turn off the TV, your phones, your computer and just talk with her.

3. Have her pose and take pictures of her every weekend. Take pictures of her when she is asleep and surprise her with them.  

4. Do the cooking, house chores or take care of the baby all by yourself and let her do whatever she wants every two weeks.

5. Take her out to dinner, a park, the beach, the movies or wherever at least once a month.

6. Buy her a small gift every month. On special occasions – birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas – buy her a big gift.

7. Visit her at her office once in a while unannounced. Let her colleagues know you.

8. Take her on a trip out of town at least once a year. Depending on where you are going, vary the modes of transport.

9. Describe a part of her body in detail to her once in a while. You can recite it like a poem, write it and send it in the mail or capture it on a camcorder.

10. Confess your commitment to her in a spiritual atmosphere and let her reciprocate. Sample:

‘You belong to me and I belong to you. You are pleasing to me and sufficient for me. I will never desire another. Our souls are bound by a blood covenant in God the Father. Till Death do us part’.

This post was first published in July, 2011

Intimacy

Intimacy is an intrusion into your lonely lifestyle, a bold invasion of your privacy often with your consent. It just happens to be a very pleasant invasion … most of the time. Intimacy happens when you cross paths with another species of being and find that your numerous plugs fit into their numerous sockets… at least most of them. Intimacy happens when you open up your sockets and extend you plugs to exchange soul by giving and receiving.

Intimacy is an invasion. There are no more gates with this significant other. There are no more barriers. There is so much discomfort in tearing down these barriers and when they are down… they are down. The army raids your inward parts and nothing is hidden anymore. Whatever was in the dark is completely exposed. The fragile emotions, the unseemly habits, the lousy flaws covered in cosmetics in public places. Everything is exposed!

Intimacy is an intrusion. At the beginning it is unpleasant to give in. But when the bombardment becomes unbearable, the walls begin to fall. They crack at first, it hurts yet is thrilling. Why does the thrill hurt so much? Because stone walls are crumbling under heavy fire. The women of the city are on rampage. There is chaos in the inward parts. The boundaries are no longer relevant.

Intimacy is an invasion. Looting is lawful because everything is shared. Nothing is private anymore when two become one. The concept of private property has no meaning in this realm. The other one becomes a disturbance that you cannot live without, a massive cedar tree growing in the centre of your bedroom. Things get missing, personal effects are moved, and permissions are granted without being requested. Everything is shared.

Intimacy is liberation when two become one; that is how we are designed. Intimacy is a relief because that is what we long for. Intimacy is a pedestal which we all reach for so long as we have the capacity to feel. Intimacy is a challenge we find fulfilling to surmount. Intimacy is a trap we would gladly walk into over and over again because we would rather be bound by love than be lost in loneliness.

Intimacy is a seed that can grow for a lifetime. Intimacy is a weed that can become beautiful when nurtured or else entangled to the point of choking itself when left untendered. Intimacy is an experience so sacred and priceless, so profound and engaging, so complex and intricate that it can only be shared with one other at any point in time during a lifetime.

Intimacy is a treasure often so hard to find and so easy to lose that we must depend on neither logic nor appearance to grasp its deepest meaning. A concept so deep that we must spend a lifetime discovering is infinite layers and facets. It is a maze so intricate that we must pay attention to the tiniest detail to preserve it in its finest form. Intimacy … we could go on and on forever and we will.

 

* Originally posted on 22nd July, 2012 *